I have a feeling last Friday morning is going to go into my Worst Parenting Moments Hall of Fame. It all started when I went to drop the kids off at the rec center daycare so I could swim some laps. Ellen was in a mood and didn’t want to wear the shirts they make all the kids wear. I finally convinced her to just hold the shirt which seemed like a fine compromise to me, but wasn’t found acceptable by the daycare. After basically wrestling her into the t-shirt I tried to leave, but she ran after me screaming and tackled me around the legs. For 30 minutes I reasoned, begged, bribed, and threatened while other parents and children came and went without incident, but every time I tried to break away I got chased down again. (I would like to note that no one made any attempts to try and keep her there.) Finally, one of the workers told me, “I just don’t think it’s going to work today.”
Before I continue, allow me to pause and say that I have never considered myself to be a terribly patient person, which has led me to be completely surprised and fairly impressed with the level of patience I’ve displayed, on average, during my parenting career. My kid gets sick and I have to cancel my plans with a friend? I get over it after some initial annoyance. My kid throws a tantrum at the grocery store? Hardly phases me. My kid wipes blueberries all over the white bathroom towels? I sigh and wash them with some oxiclean. But my kids get between me and my workout,the thing that makes most of my patience possible? I completely unravel.
After the worker read the writing on the wall that I desperately was refusing to see, I called to Cooper that we were leaving. He protested because he didn’t get to play, while I wrestled the shirts over their heads and threw them violently into the dirty shirt hamper. One of the workers meekly offered that I “just need to keep trying another time.” And with razor sharp sarcasm, I scoffed, “Right” and glared at her. Then I yanked my kids out of the room forcefully by their wrists. After slamming all the car doors, we drove home, enshrouded in a cloud of screaming (mostly me) and by the time we pulled into the garage everyone was sobbing. It took 10 minutes of sweating in the sweltering garage and a concerned phone call from Noel before I felt ready to get everyone into the house and try to face the wreckage. The rest of the day was busy, which was good, but my mind kept wandering back to how I felt like an abysmal failure not only as a mother, but a human being.
We had a mini backpacking trip planned for that night. Noel came home from work excited and optimistic, while I was morose and prepared for the worst. When we hit the trail I still was feeling down and pondering wether I needed to seek professional help. As we hiked those thoughts slowly began to recede. The kid that wouldn’t willingly stay at a place with countless toys, friends, and a playground, hiked without hardly a complaint and gave no indication that she even remembered me unleashing my rage earlier that day. She took my hand and chatted away about butterflies and how fast she could run. Once at camp, the solitude soothed my insecurities and as the kids laughed and chased each other through a field of wildflowers I started to think maybe I wasn’t a completely terrible parent. The kids didn’t fight as they explored and even dinner and bedtime went peacefully and with little complaint. By the time the kids were tucked into their sleeping bags and Noel and I were stargazing from the hammock, my outlook on life was much improved. I wasn’t a terrible parent or human being. Yes, I’d had a bad day and I’d handled it poorly, but it wasn’t the end of the world. I didn’t need therapy, I just needed a healthy dose of nature* to refocus me and remind me that life is bigger than one workout and bigger than the daycare. There are pockets of beauty, all around us reminding us that life is actually quite good. This satirical commercial, pretty much sums up my feelings on the subject.
- As Nature Rx disclaims, “nature can’t solve everything, it may just help.”